On Citizenships

In April of this year, I became a U.S. citizen. I now have triple citizenship: Brazilian, Italian, and American. The first two I’ve had since I was born, but the process to naturalize as an American really made me think about what it means to be a citizen.

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I was born in São Paulo, Brazil, and am a descendant of Italians and the Portuguese. I think I was around 10 when I learned I was an Italian citizen, but I didn’t really understand what that meant. Culturally, our family was always very Italian. But every once in a while, our family would receive packets from the Italian government for us to vote for plebiscites we couldn’t understand—no one in my family spoke the language. Speaking Portuguese did give us a leg up, it’s easier to read and guess, but certainly not enough for us to feel confident voting. So I confess that I felt like I had always been a lousy citizen—I didn’t speak the language, had never visited the country, had never voted… Until college, that is.

Learning [to be] Italian

In college, all arts & letters students (arts woo woo!) had to take three semesters of a foreign language. I considered several, but ended up choosing Italian to know more about my family, our heritage, and hopefully be a more productive citizen. I always felt this responsibility of getting to know the country better instead of simply reaping the benefits that citizenship brought me.

The language came easily to me. Portuguese helped until a certain point, since the two languages are very similar in structure and vocabulary. After that, I feel like it kind of got in the way because it made certain distinctions very hard to internalize. Overall, though, it was a very natural learning process, and I was thrilled about the possibility of studying in Italy and discovering this country I felt was a part of me but that, at the same time, I barely knew.

I spent six months living in Bologna, in the north of Italy. When I went through immigration in Frankfurt and presented my Italian passport, the officer said, “Welcome back home!” It was an incredibly weird sensation—Italy was, in fact, “home,” but I had never been there. I felt two completely different emotions: that of being a complete imposter, and that of excitement for this encounter that had been over 20 years in the making. Remember in Anastasia, when she wants to go home and she kind of remembers it but also doesn’t recognize anything? That’s exactly how I felt. (That song will probably be stuck in my head for the next month, by the way…)

The Università di Bologna is the oldest university in the world, founded in 1088. I lived with Italians, all my classes were in Italian, it was truly a 100% immersive experience! During that time, I was able to appreciate how much of our Brazilian culture is derived from or influenced by Italian culture. The officer in Frankfurt was right—I felt at home, even though I had never been there before.

Path to American Citizenship

After college, I married my husband, who is American, and we decided to stay here. The economic situation in Brazil was awful (not like it’s gotten much better…) and as much as I wanted to go back, it didn’t make sense to do that. Until then, I had always seen my time in the U.S. as temporary, four months at a time; a really cool chapter of my life before returning to Brazil. When we decided to stay in the U.S., I had to think about what it would be like to grow roots here and truly be a member of my community.

In total, it took five years from the day I first applied for my green card to the day I naturalized as a U.S. citizen. In those five years, I’ve learned a lot about American culture (after all, I was no longer living on a college campus), lived through an agonizing election, and had to think about how much my culture(s) brought me closer to or farther away from that of the United States.

This week, I’ll celebrate my first 4th of July as an American citizen. The feeling is the same of when I first went to Italy—I feel kind of like an imposter, but also so happy to be able to participate. Citizenship is a huge symbol of acceptance, and this acceptance is even more important to me because this is the only citizenship I chose.

Living this mix

Last week, I traveled with my American passport for the first time. It was so weird, but at the same time I felt so proud to be able to travel with it. So many years, documents, and so much anxiety paved the way for me and my husband to get to this exact moment! I cried like a baby during my naturalization ceremony. It was a powerful mix of happiness, pride, and so, so much relief. Being in limbo for five years was like walking around with a dark cloud over our head; a persistent layer of anxiety. One’s naturalization process can be denied for any reason—you filled out a single box incorrectly, a mistake in the system, or the officer who interviewed you wasn’t having a great day. Only those who have gone through the process know what it’s like. As soon as I became a U.S. citizen, the cloud disappeared. I felt so light!

From now on, every time time I travel I’ll have to consider which passports to bring with me, since each one gives me visa-free access to certain countries. It’s a very real representation of how, at the end of the day, citizenships are made up. I’m only one person, but when I get to a new country, if I show an official “notebook” of one color, I might not be let in, but if I show another, I’d be in with no questions asked. It’s important to distinguish between citizenship and culture. In a way, citizenship is an recognition of one’s cultural fit or heritage.

I’m not sure how long it will take me to feel American through and through… To be completely honest, to this day I still don’t feel 100% Italian. The only citizenship I feel 100% is Brazilian, since I was born there, raised there, and my whole family is there.

Today, I feel like a kaleidoscope of sorts; each piece of mine comes from a different culture. I’m not sure I fit 100% in any of my three countries, but with time I’ve come to think that maybe that’s a good thing. My three citizenships give me a ton of perspective, and they help me put myself in other people’s shoes more easily and live life more empathetically. I fully understand the amount of privilege that’s led me here and that allows me to sustain all three citizenships. My goal is to cherish this and lever lose sight of how special it is to be able to call so many places “home.”

Stay curious,

Nati